I was doing some basic arithmetic earlier this evening after visiting an apartment I might rent for the summer, and realized that despite my running around like a [I don't like the dead chicken simile, but it would fit nicely here], paying my bills all by myself this summer may be a harder task than I anticipated, before I bought about ten (fifteen?) books for summer reading in celebration of my new jobs.
Drat. At least if I become homeless, I’ll have plenty to occupy me.
What now? I think I’ll offer up a new prayers during my inevitable anxious insomnia tonight. Other than that…ask for more work from both bosses? One of my major problems is that I don’t have a schedule. Not knowing when I’m supposed to show up some days, or if I’m supposed to, results in a lot of wasted time that could be spent either working or writing. Not that my writing gets me any dollas at the moment, but you know. With time, God willing.
Oh and I’m having a low-grade panic attack about the fall. There’s a chance that I’ve worked out a roommate arrangement for myself, in which case AWESOME, thank God. If not, I’ll have to live by myself. And I may not be able to afford living by myself. And my parents grow tired of helping me, God bless them. Gulp.
Funny thing about this whole education thing. In theory, I have a splendiforous ace in the hole any time I want to use it, in the way of my sparkling diploma from a famously picky college. So far, this shiny laser-cut diamond of an education hasn’t really gotten me jack. I haven’t gone to grad school, unless you count the adult education course I’m attending at Harvard (yes, it’s Harvard, but it’s the Extension School. There is no application process. If you have a credit card, you’re in). So no value there. I work as kind of a secretary, and kind of a Muslim networker/basic educator. I assure you that none of what I teach is stuff I learned in college. Nor did fancypants college teach me invoicing, which I currently do. Which leads me to the following freak out:
WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE???????
I want to be a writer. That’s the first problem. What I’m finding is that this is something everyone will congratulate you on, but in reality it’s kissing goodbye any hope you ever had of living not hand-to-mouth, paying for your own car’s tune-ups (you’re still using Mom’s Emergency Card, because it’s still an emergency), or having professional dignity. I’m ashamed to say it, because both of my jobs are with people and organizations for which I have the utmost respect, but having to tell people I meet who know that I went to Amherst (and know what Amherst is) that I work part time (even though 1/2 job+1/2 job=1 whole job) is totally and utterly humiliating.
If I ever write a bestseller, I will look back on this post as charming. In all likelihood, I’ll be looking at my same battered screen ten years from now screaming GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!!! I STILL CAN’T AFFORD NEW SHOES!
I’m barely keeping my head above water, and I don’t think I can do it indefinitely. For a lot of reasons. For money, for pride. I’m really bad at being poor. It’s a skill that requires discipline and budgeting, neither of which I’m very good at. Also it makes me kind of bitter, and I don’t like that, because, yuck, bitter people. I’m afraid that if I wallow in this making-ends-meet-maybe-hopefully-next-month space for too long, my educational currency will run out. I already didn’t go to med school. What will I dabble in next, in financial despair? Law school? Maybe I’ll take a crack at the LSAT and fantasize about a nice corner office where I can spend a hundred hours a week. Sure, I’d never get to be home and my life would probably be extremely tedious, but at least I wouldn’t have to listen to my father telling me That’s it! You’re cut off! every other week or so.
Out of my father’s four children, I went to the highest-ranked college. Out of his four children, I am the only one who can’t pay her own rent. No wonder he gets all beflustered with me. I’m all beflustered with myself.
Why can’t I just be a normal person and go into some established career path? Why didn’t biology totally tickle my every nerve? Why couldn’t I just have GONE to med school already, and make peace with handing over the next six-to-ten years of my life to the fluorescent inside of a hospital? WHY WHY WHY?
I have this total pipe dream of writing something that will 1. be important 2. touch people 3. educate people 4. earn me a nice chunk of change. And if it doesn’t happen, at this rate, I won’t have much to show for it. In fact I won’t have anything to show for it. Twenty years from now I’ll still be driving my ‘97 Honda, praying that it passes inspection, probing the depths of craigslist for a cheap studio apartment. Of course I mostly imagine it differently, but tonight Despair is my companion. I should have known not to add numbers together and see if they add up to rent. They don’t. In fact they can’t, and that is my tragedy.
This is the problem with the coupling of me and my dream of becoming the Queen of Muslim Noveldom: I’m just smart enough to think that it’s a good idea to put my eggs in that basket – because hey, I have something to say, goshdernit, and eventually my brilliance will emerge and people will loooooove reading my shtick. Unfortunately, I am also just stupid and undereducated enough to not be able to actually pull it off. Who am I kidding? I’m reading Dostoyevsky. And I’m telling myself right now, right here, with all the internet as my witness, that I will never produce anything like that. Not even close.
God forgive me. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. The problem is that I could give up, but I don’t exactly have an alternate plan. So what now? Am I wasting myself? Do I bite the bullet and go to grad school (any grad school), not knowing where that leads either but hoping that it leads to some kind of salary – somewhere, someday? Or do I keep at the novel, the blog, the random magazine gigs that may or may not pay? I don’t like this crazy road. It’s taken some happy turns lately (near-solvency), but I’m starting to feel like I really need at least one more. I’m almost always full of hope, and yet ashamed of myself for not being my classmates who are now lawyers and almost-doctors, Fulbright scholars and Ph.D. candidates at Harvard (the real Harvard, not my pretend Harvard) and development workers in India, that I can never resolve it, and I swing between extremes…especially when I think about things like rent. My roommate is going off to get married in two weeks (lucky duck) and will never pay rent again in her life (see? L-U-C-K-Y. I guess the guy is nice too. Least of my concerns right now). Meanwhile I can’t afford to go to the wedding and I’m giving myself an ulcer just contemplating getting through the summer on my own. I can’t even begin to think about the fall yet. OhGodno.
Please please please say a prayer for me. And be liberal with advice.
10 responses so far ↓
Sister in Islam // April 20, 2008 at 2:37 pm |
You have trodden some dead ends ,
you have fallen behind your classmates and friends,
you are living from hand to mouth despite the picky college diploma ,
you are torn between alternatives …
Yes , the situation is serious and sad but never hopeless.
Hold tight to your faith.
Trust Allah’s mercy and plan for you .
Trust yourself and your abilities ,
keep striving and persevering
and cling to hope and patience .
Each person on this earth is bound to meet his /her destiny .
electromagnetic // April 20, 2008 at 5:28 pm |
Maybe you should get arrested. For some “white collar” crime like Conrad Black. Then you could write in jail with no concern for rent or food or whatever–just like Dostoevsky!
Sorry, I know this is bad advice. Doestoevksy got arrested for being part of a liberal intellectual circle in Russia and he was exiled. That’s a little bit difficult to pull off in the States. Maybe you could pull it off in Pakistan or China.
Ok, I realize this probably isn’t helping. But your freakout reminds me of the freakouts of friends…and myself. It’s really discouraging when people you went to school with “make it” or something while you struggle to make ends meet. But if you’re serious about writing, maybe it would be better to embrace the idea that your life won’t be easy or comfortable. Since most great writers like Donne and Dostoevsky didn’t have easy or comfortable lives either, you wouldn’t be in bad company.
If this is not very comforting, don’t forget Rowling was a single mother on welfare writing without a computer. She may not be a “great” writer but she’s written some stories that people around the world have read and loved. I think a large part of her success has been in being able to write about characters like the Weasley family who kind of struggle to get by and aren’t looked at with respect by other aristocratic “pure-blood” wizarding families. I think a lof of what she has to say about class and money have resonance with many people, even in the “developed” world.
Dave // April 21, 2008 at 11:26 am |
A helpful way of dealing with the “prestige” issue (as opposed to the purely financial one) is to think about how you explain what you are doing to other people. There are plenty of people who, when you ask them what they are up to, will tell you that they are acting, for example, when in actuality 95% of their income in generated by waiting tables. So you could be all, “Well, I turned down med school to pursue my dream of becoming a novelist,” and everyone will be all, “wow, that’s cool. i wish i had the balls to do something like that.”
but that doesn’t really help with the purely internal frustration of it all. for those of us who pursue something off the beaten path, something risky, you have to have hope and a thick skin. and there needs to be some sort of trade-off that makes it worth it.
May God grant you the choicest blessings of this world and the next, and fulfill your every hope and dream, ameen.
saffiyah // April 21, 2008 at 1:02 pm |
As-Salaamu-Alaikum
I am new to your blog but I enjoyed it sooo much! I completely understand about making ends meet. I am a stay-at-home mom of two toddlers and my husband pays all of our expenses (Al Hamdulilah) but I do wish I had my own money, and I miss having that steady paycheck. I have found some legitimate work-at-home opportunities to earn some extra cash, (REAL opps, not money getting scams) and I list a few on my website. But they are hard for me to do because most are telemarketing from home and it requires working in a quiet space which my home is not. Two toddlers remember. I too dream of being the Queen of Muslim Noveldom LOL. I actually had my very first writing effort scooped up by a publisher. It was a romance novel that got pretty good reviews. I have since married a very religious man who does not think romance novels are appropriate for Muslimah’s to write. I’m determined to write something that will not make Muslims gasp and die from shock (husband included) but something I would actually enjoy. I currently enjoy the Dean Koontz, Nora Roberts type of book. So I have my work cut out for me. I tried to start a Muslim (fiction) publishing company and solicited for books but I received, books of poetry and half completed works that were incoherent ramblings so I gave up that idea. But I encourage you to keep going! I can’t wait to read your works.
Safia // April 21, 2008 at 1:52 pm |
Dua, dua, dua! I know we often get caught up in our problems and seek advice from the people around us, but we tend to forget that we have Allah azza wa jaal to consult, and that He is ultimately the one who decides all of our affairs.
Hopefully that journalism course will help you in finding a regular writing job. That’s the advice you’ll hear around these parts – finish your degree, and ’specialize’ with a few months of college, or even grad school. It’s enough to elevate you above the rest who are equally struggling with their one arts degree, and it tends to look better to employers. Besides, you can always go to school and keep at your novel/blog/random writing gigs.
Tree // May 3, 2008 at 7:06 am |
Really? I go to Smith. I agree with the advice that you can “always go to school and keep at your novel/blog/random writing gigs.” As for the being poor and you being *bad* on it. It’s a lesson worth learning and better you humbled in this life inshAllah then the afterlife. Don’t do expectations.
aamna // May 12, 2008 at 2:01 am |
hey miss L
.
talked to you the other day about mcats and med school… decided to read up on your blog. just wondering out of curiosity, have you considered an MFA , I have a friend in grad school for English Lit (hes doing a PhD / MFA but you can do just an MFA too) if you get in somewhere prestigious it can lead to real deal publishing.
OR you could look into an international relations program like the one rebecca went to, at Columbia, theyre looking for people interested in the Middle East for diplomacy and foreign relations degrees. Anyways you’re a smart chick you’ll figure it out–people change directions, life is messy, it happens to, well, not everyone, but quite a few people (like myself
maximus mercury // May 12, 2008 at 5:30 pm |
askm. dunno if you want real advice, or whether this will count as that!
but a few observations and ideas come to mind:
1) grad scool is not a panacea – i’m in a phd programme & spend a significant chunk of time grudgingly envying the (to my eyes) decisive types who joined the working world straight out of undergrad, to pick up real on-the-job skills. As a grad student, the grass is always greener & you spend time in self-loathing when ppl marvel at you for merely being enrolled in a phd programme…
2) Fact: school cannot prepare you for the working world beyond the most basic fundamentals. Everything else is a matter of experience. Like you, I spend time marvelling at just how hollow the ivy league degrees under my belt are when examined in this light.
3) if money is a problem & you are truly pursuing a career in writing, you should start building a portfolio of publications & applying for writing retreats & grants. Drop the self-doubt – you might never be dostoevsky, but he’s actually dated in certain respects (& hence termed “classic”) at this point. When you crystallize your own voice, you will find success. You probably know this already, but when we’re beating ourselves up, we like to measure ourselves against the height of our ambitions and that can be counter-productive.
4) final sad fact: success does not come immediately after (or even a few years after) college graduation. There are lay periods and struggles and even if you’re seeming like a success to others you will most likely always be struggling inside. I think life is about learning to identify your own pitfalls and always keeping going. You’re strong enough in your ambition to be declaring & practising it right here. So just do the additional practical things to pay the bills and let your creative self percolate.
Finally, I hope this has not been a patronizing or overly terse comment on my part – I am typing with one hand…
null // May 31, 2008 at 3:46 am |
I really hope you’re well, sweetheart.
Long time no write.
Yea // June 19, 2008 at 3:14 am |
Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation
Anyway … nice blog to visit.
cheers, Yea.